Everything is still. I love it. In my new place...silence! I wish I could feel this serenity all the time and be more at ease and be more myself. I shut down when I talk to people and give the wrong impression...a very confused, shy and akward impression ..I think so at least. Inside of me a lot has changed. I see things different. I feel as if if someone is trying to change something inside of me but most of the time i am rejecting it. But when i let it....it really turns me around. I want to be that person i know i can be. But the price i so high. Am I willing to pay it. There isn't much i can do about it. Death is irreversible. So my change is irreversible as well and i should stop fighting it and let it change me. Seeing people die I love hurts, i feel it....right in my heart. 3 persons in 4 months.... One of them being my eartly creator, my example, my hero, my cornerstone and a piece of my heart: My father. I still don't get it. 125 days without him, 125 days thinking about him, 125 days crying over him. Was he sad when it happened, did he fight back and most of all who was there to comfort him when he had to leave his family behind? Did he wanted to stay here? Did he know what was about to happen when he left for work? Why didn't we get a change to say goodbye, although he did kiss me goodbye. I miss you so much and hope you're well and happy and still have the change to see me grow and develop. And I wait for the day that i will see you again...I'll work till that day. Just please let that day be there when in a sea of faces i will see one pair of eyes i will immediatly recognize as yours. My dad.